I know one is supposed to write 'My ADHD and I', but that does not rhyme.
I have ADHD and while making bonbons yesterday and this morning, I decided that I wanted to share about it, about my struggles and more importantly my growth. I am not the first one, nor the last one to blog about ADHD. Check this blog out if you want to read more blogs: https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/decoding-the-adhd-mind/
These are some of the symptoms that apply to me:
-make frequent mistakes or miss details when studying or working
-acting without thinking
-inability to deal with stress
-be easily distracted by small things happening around them
-talk excessively
-have trouble playing or carrying out tasks quietly
-having trouble focusing or concentrating on tasks
- trouble recalling and following multi-step directions
-lose items frequently
-little self-awareness
-trouble organizing things
-hyper focus (but not always on the important things)
-an above-average level of activity and energy.
-finding it hard to listen to others in a conversation
-negative self-image
-restlessness and anxiety
-often feeling overwhelmed and chaotic
-fatigue because of the constant effort to focus
That's quite a long list. I don't even know if this is the full list and I deal with these things daily. Sometimes it's hard to live with myself. I can be really hard on myself when I don't succeed in the things I want and sometimes I wish I was different. I can get so sad, frustrated, angry and tired of myself.
At first, my ADHD didn't trouble me so much in life. I guess my drive to succeed in things and my willingness to work hard compensated for a lot. I was always losing things as a child but I didn't realize the extent of my symptoms until I started my internship to become a primary school teacher.
Things would happen in a class of 30 children and I would not even see it or register it, leaving me unable to react properly. I felt that I let the kids down so many times. I also experienced difficulty when unexpected things happened and had trouble diverting from my original plan. Under pressure or stress my mind would sometimes completely shut down. I had trouble managing different tasks at the same time and would sometimes put more focus on my teaching goals than on the kids (and they are the ones who matter most). I had a hard time thinking while doing things, let alone reflect on it at the end of the day and because I was so eager to do things right and afraid to make mistakes, I would spend hours preparing 1 single lesson, going over every single detail. I didn't sleep well anymore, rehearsing everything in my mind, over and over. And still I would fail to bring it into practice the next day, without being able to understand how that happened.
I then went to the doctor, got diagnosed and started using ADHD medication. And later I went back to the doctor asking or a higher doses of ADHD medication, so I could do better, because I was still failing. I also went to a psychologist for a while because I did not know what to do anymore and I was constantly wondering why my classmates could do it and I could not. My self-confidence took a big dive during these internships and I was torturing myself, until I decided to quit. I gave up in a way because it was so frustrating to constantly fail in what I wanted to achieve, plus I really needed to give myself a break from trying so hard.
"Adults with ADHD may view these difficulties as personal failures or underachievement, which can cause them to see themselves in a negative light."
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made, even though at times, I still can't shake the feeling that I failed.
I have always felt that learning to do things that require higher executive functions cost me much more time and effort than others. "Higher-level executive function (EF; also called executive control) underpins the ability to manage complex tasks, such as driving, by facilitating continued focus on the task or goal (e.g., attention on the road, driving tasks and the destination), while filtering relevant and irrelevant information."
Teaching a class of 30 kids definitely requires higher executive functions.
But these internships were not the only thing I have struggled with. I also had a really hard time getting for example my drivers license. It took a really long time before I could manage to properly shift gears and keep an eye on the situation on the road at the same time. I remembering crying in the car because I just could not manage. It's still hard sometimes when something unexpected happens and I still have trouble remembering directions, even when I drove that route a thousand times. I can get so confused. At a certain point I was wondering whether I would ever be able to drive someone somewhere safely. It took a lot of practice and a lot of support but I practiced and I got support and I can now say that I can drive.
My ADHD does not only give me hard time at work, but also for example during sports. I have been playing capoeira for 7 years now and it can also be quite a challenge. My trainer often gives an example of how we should do a certain sequence of movements and I usually either lose concentration half way or forget everything afterwards, having to go through it step by step all over again before I can manage to practice it.
Capoeira requires flexibility in the mind and planning while moving, fast reactions, many things that are difficult for me. Sometimes I feel like giving capoeira up too, but I am not giving up even though I had many mental breakdowns during the training and will surely have many more. Looking back I do realize I have learned many things. I am growing, I just need more time and a lot of patience with myself.
I have come to know and understand myself better in the last few years. I have learned many ways to deal with my "flaws", I found ways to compensate for the things I find difficult and I have also noticed that many things are going better after a lot of practice. Besides that I have grown more empathy towards myself, even though I can still get very angry sometimes. I am giving myself time to grow now.
Even though I still struggle, my ADHD medication has been sitting on the shelf for a long time now and I am happy about that. I am happy that I have managed without using those pills lately, even though sometimes I really feel like I need them.
A year ago, or somewhat longer, I started making bonbons. I remember the mess I made at the beginning. There used to be chocolate and things everywhere. The room would look like a (world)war zone.
I have also grown doing this. I am so proud of myself that I can now make bonbons using my 1,5 square meter kitchen counter and that I don't end up with chocolate in my hair (not even on the floor or on and in my fridge). It's still on my shirt but not everywhere.
And I did not stop teaching. I still teach a small group of kids at a kinder garden where I work, small groups are easier for me. I constantly keep practicing in how to create structure and in what I do, for myself and the kids. Routines help a lot. I can now also improvise a lot better than I could before and I have more attention for the kids, instead of being mostly focused on the practical things that need to be done. I notice that I am constantly growing and I am so proud of myself. I also give bonbon workshops, which also gives me many chances to practice creating "order".
Even though my internships left me traumatized, I have started working at a school again. I give short classes now to groups of about 12 to 20 kids, sometimes even to a whole class with the classroom teacher present. Who knows, maybe with a lot of practice and more self-confidence, I can manage to get my teaching degree.
And even if I don't, I am proud of my growth and I love who I am. ADHD can also have many benefits (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/adhd-benefits#adhd-superpowers) and I can also make a long list of my personal qualities. I know I am a masterpiece and a work in progress (Aren't we all?).
I love me
and my ADHD.
