I would like to talk to you about it...

I would like to talk about it, to tell you everything but would you understand? You seem so passionate, so driven towards your goal. You seem to love what you do and you're looking forward to a life filled with more of that. You don't seem to be so full of questions and so full of doubt. You're working hard for what you want and you're getting somewhere. Envy is a bad thing, but I envy that and often I wish that I was more like you, that I had a little bit of that passion, just a little bit of that drive and just a little bit of a clue of what I want to do for the rest of my life.



 I did a lot of thinking lately ever since I made my great escape towards this island bathing in the sun. I didn't feel like facing other people so I stayed in. The words didn't come to me so I didn't write. I felt no inspiration at all to paint so I didn't paint. I didn't feel like I experienced anything worthy of sharing to the world, nothing I felt particularly excited about. It all felt a little dull and I felt completely lost.




I've been feeling better the last 3 weeks. I actually catch myself laughing at random things and singing again. I had a whole plan before I came here, but nothing worked out as I originally planned it. Actually I made the plan since summer when everything seemed to be rainbows and butterflies and I somehow thought I had it all figured out. But as time went by, my doubts grew, like in time they always do, and I wasn't excited anymore. The plan became a plan that would inevitably fail, because my heart wasn't in it and my head was completely somewhere else, don't ask me where though. And it failed.

 My whole life I've been studying, but until the end of high school I had no clue what I was working for but worked because I could and actually like studying and it was expected from me and more than everything else, I wanted to make everyone proud.

Then came that moment in which I had to make a big choice that would influence the rest of my future, like everyone else had to do. I had been thinking about it for a long time and started feeling a bit of panic because I had no clue what I wanted. I was only 18 years old. I really didn't know. Since I had no clue what I wanted I knew that I couldn't leave my island to go study anywhere else, not knowing what I wanted. I was sure I would drift and who knew where I would end, so I stayed.

I randomly picked something to study here and my mom agreed on just seeing where it would go. I started studying law. I made it through my courses but I hardly made it through class. Everyone seemed so interested in what the professors were telling but I was texting and on facebook. My head was anywhere else but in class. In less than a half year I dropped out. This wasn't my thing, but what was?

I started working a little and doing some research. I literally scanned lists of possibilities and scratched away everything I didn't want to do. Something that resembled my moms work remained so that was what I was going to study. My moms work seems fun. It makes her happy and she makes other people happy and she makes a difference. I guess I wanted all of that too.

Half a year later I left to the Netherlands and started studying. Everything went well for a while and I passed my courses. At the end of the first year I started to have my doubts though, is this really what I wanted? I turned to a teacher and talked about it and her words somehow helped me through.



Somewhere along the second year I started doubting everything again, but I was half way through, why stop now? Besides, work is just work. I'd make money and make a living next to it, have money to sustain myself and in the future my family, that's what was most important, right?







Third year, same story. I decided to create more space for myself and follow some extra courses. I wasn't ready to finish my bachelor and start the master just yet. Most other students around me had jobs related to what we were studying. Not me, I didn't feel like doing that work already. I chose to leave that for in the future.

This is my fourth year and I'm finishing my bachelor this year. I still don't think I have much choices concerning a master in the field I have been studying about for the last four years , do I? 
Since I didn't even make it through an internship of 3 months just thinking about an internship of 10 months during my master makes me dread it. I won't make it through that, I know I won't and what for, to do more of those activities after I finish? It's not made for me. I'm a bit late to figure it out or to admit it and now that I finally did. What's next?

Will you understand when I tell you all of this or will you rub it in that I wasted so much time, because I know I did or even more importantly that I wasted a lot of money. You'll also tell me that it's crazy to start over. Yes and terrifying. Then you will probably ask me what everyone does. You'll ask me: 'If you don't want to do this, what DO you want to do?' and I'll honestly say: 'I don't know.'

 but I would like to talk to you about it...