November

It's the 19th of November.  I'm finally able to relax, such a nice thought. It's been a really busy week.
It was a pretty busy month for me and it's not over yet. Next week looks pretty busy too. Next week actually makes me a bit anxious but it will all be okay. And November will be over soon. Thank God.

Wake me up...
I found myself singing this line in my head several times this month : Wake me up when November ends. But I didn't sleep much. I don't allow myself to sleep when I know I have certain expectations ( mostly my own demanding and mostly irrelevant expectations) to live up to, so I realized soon enough that that line didn't make sense. But let me explain why I would want November (and not September like in the song) to end.


No-shave November
No-shave November is one of the reasons I wanted to get through November as soon as possible. Just kidding! It doesn't bother me that much but I think having less hair is better for everyone. 1. It's  less dirty. Let's face it : All kinds of things get stuck in your hair. 2. Guys with less hair look way better. Okay, that's just my opinion. And those are my superficial thoughts about hair. I never knew before that No shave November is all about embracing your hair because cancer patients have none. I didn't know. I know now that it is a cause for literally growing awareness about cancer. You can also raise money by starting a no Shave November fundraising page or donate the money you usually spend on grooming to educate about cancer prevention and to help those who are fighting cancer at this moment.
It feels a bit stupid but I really didn't know. But I think a lot of people who do it don't collect or donate anything and I don't know if they even stop to think about why they're letting their hair grow in the first place.. It seems to have become more like a game. So guys let their facial hair grow, without a good reason, which is a real shame of their handsomeness. If you want to participate in No-Shave November and let a horrible beard grow at least realize what the thought behind it is.





Embrace yourself, winter is coming here!
Another reason why I would like November to end is that, even though we'd still be pretty far away from it, it would bring us closer to spring. I hate cold and bad weather. I was born on a warm island and definitely not made for this. The Netherlands is stereotyped by cold and weather. They call it 'regenland' or 'kikkerland' , which literally means rainland or frogland. So why am I here then? What the hell am I doing here? Why don't I pack my things and go back to the warmth and the sun?
I ask myself that question all the time around this period of the year. Well it would usually start in September. I would become sad and blue. I would feel useless and lost. I would feel all kinds of things around this period of the year, none of them positive and I'd be looking for a ticket away from here. This has happened almost every year for the passed 5 years. But this year I actually feel great. The only thing about me that has changed so far, and I'm planning on keeping it that way, is my clothing and my skin color. I have already become a little bit paler. I hate it when that happens!  But even though it's becoming colder and rainier and even though I still hate this weather, I feel great and at home here.

My dad's birthday
There are also really nice things about November. It's my dad's birthday on the 12th of November. The last 5 years I've been missing most of his birthdays. I usually never forget about birthdays of those I love but this year Facebook had to remind me. I usually always text or (skype) call. Sometimes I even virtually attend their birthday-parties. This year I didn't even talk to him on his birthday, we didn't even talk on Facebook messenger. We didn't talk on Skype.
This year I didn't even ask how his birthday was. Even though I know by dad likes to complain about birthdays. When it's his birthday he always says that he's becoming old. When it's our birthday he says:' You're making me old.'  I wish I could be there more often on his birthday. When I say 'there' I mean Curacao. My parents and grandparents (aunts and cousins and so on) live there. I live here. Living here is great but on days like birthdays and other special occasions I really wish I was there. It's hard to understand when I hear about people who hardly spend time with their parents and grandparents even if they live nearby. I don't really have a choice, they do. (Grand)parents should be cherished. But I'll see my (grand)parents soon (YAAY!), when November ends.

Crowdfunding (deadline: 1st of November)
I'll go to Curacao on the 13th of December this year until the 10th of January. When I go there, I want to go for at least 2 weeks. A shorter period of time would make me feel sad to leave. But when I go, I usually stay for a month and after a month of living with my parents I feel eager to go back home, longing for my freedom.





I had this brilliant thought to go in the last days of October and stay there for a while so I could be there for my dad's birthday. But I couldn't. The reason: I've started this training social entrepreneurship in September . I knew in advance that there would be a crowdfunding in our group of then 13, now 12 people. The success of this crowdfunding would decide whether our program would go on or not. I could not leave. This was important and I had to be there every step of the way until the end. And I was. We made it. We had actually collected the amount of money we had set as a goal one day in advance and surpassed it with 416 euros. This means our program will go on. We started November celebrating.

Living up to November
The successful end  of our crowdfunding meant the beginning of our social project. The work could start. But I still had to go through the aftermath of the crowdfunding too. This meant work work work work work. In my enthusiasm and because I was so focused on the goal I had sold 16 x 75 snacks ,which equals 1200 snacks and 4 cakes. I had delivered a part of the snacks before the beginning of November but only a small part (300 snacks). Plus I had sold tickets to a capoeira event and a Kizomba workshop that I would both organize.
Damn.What had I done? Oh well.... My illusions of being a superwoman must have taken over.
Well, I have to admit that this month must have made my first hairs turn grey. A lot of things nearly drove me mad at times:

• The fear of failing and disappointing others (and myself) always gives me stress. 
• I can't wait until my small kitchen is no longer invaded by cake and snacks, can stay clean for longer than a week again and is no longer constantly covered with either flour or sugar-powder or both.
• I felt stressed because my kitchen is way too small for 1200 snacks and 4 cakes.  
• I am tired of wiping a layer oil of my face and burning my fingers while baking snacks
• I can't wait until I have more time for myself and more time to make money instead of just spending it on my idealistic images of the cakes I want to make.

It's the 19th of November. I still have to deliver 225 snacks and 2 cakes. I now know I can do this and it's no longer a superwoman illusion. But it sure felt like that many times during this month. At some points I started asking myself: Why did I put myself through this? Why did I give myself so much work? What am doing it for?

Learning from November
At many other points I saw this experience as a great one.
My snacks improved during this month. I've learned a lot for example:

• that the order in which you add yeast to the dough and if the water you use is warm or cold matters
• how to keep snacks from sticking to each other in the freezer
• that sausages rot within 2 days if you store them in normal water instead of the original fluid they came in and that rotten sausages smell and look really bad
• I confirmed my fear of hot oil: It really hurts.  And my disgust: It's super nasty, stinks and makes everything super dirty.

I learned a lot from baking too, for example:

• Do not mix two recipes for cake up. You think it might work but there's a big chance it doesn't. 
• Work very secure when you bake cake: Any little thing can break or make your cake.
• It's good to write the recipes you use down for the next time because it saves a lot of time. I had made a gluten-free chocolate cake before but I couldn't find the recipe so I had to look for a new one, which took forever and the cake failed. 
• The ingredients for the cake-batter have to be room temperature
• You can save a ruined cake (YOU CAN!)
• that fondant is gluten free and so is the the baking powder from Dr. Oetker, but not all baking powder is.
• start in time so you can do it all over if you have to ( I had to and for that reason I had to stay up till 6 AM once ) 
• ask enough money so even when everything goes wrong you still don't lose money.

Okay..I just made a lot, some silly and other stupid mistakes.

Novembers taught me some lessons
I learned one thing: That I really hate using oil. It was the first time I did it and the last. I will find a solution for it: Same result, other process. I tried to make the snacks in the oven today: not the same result. I will keep trying. Oil is so bad, I mean unhealthy, and so stinking, sticking and slippery, just nasty. I'll have to find a way to bake these snacks in the oven or make less snacks.  I enjoy baking and decorating cakes a lot more any way.

Let me tell you about a great cake decorating experience I had this November:
Yesterday I went babysitting. I was babysitting a little boy and his little sister. She would celebrate her birthday the next day. I had agreed to bring the cake along and to decorate it there after the kids had gone to bed. The little girl went to bed easily, after a bedtime story, but the little boy insisted on helping me with the cake. He would not go to bed until... Why not, I thought.  I let him help with a few things 'But just don't touch the cake unless I ask you to', I pleaded. Of course, for him it was all fun and games. 'Do you like to have an assistant', he asked. I honestly replied that I enjoyed the company of my little funny assistant. At a certain point he seemed to understand that I thought the cake was very important and not a game. I didn't have to ask him to wash his hands after every move he made anymore and he understood that he had to use a spoon instead of his fingers for the icing. 'Because it's for someone else', he said.  I had used that line a few times and now he did too. Yes, the cake was for his sister. I promised him we could decorate another cake together on another day and then he could help with everything. 'For my birthday', he asked all excited.  He got all excited about the prospect.  I knew it had just been his birthday last month but I didn't want to ruin it for him. 'Sure.'

My problem I (re) discovered in this November:
Of course there were a lot of great moments, like the one mentioned above. There always are, but this month was long, tiring, stressful and busy. But I'm always busy, not always with the most relevant and important things, but always busy. Sometimes that's a lot of fun and sometimes it almost feels like the death of me.
You know what my problem is? I say YES too much. When an opportunity suddenly appears on my doorstep, what ever seems like fun: YES, let's do that! I find myself saying things like: 'But..I haven't brought my agenda along, because I always forget to, but sure. I guess I can.'
Sometimes I do bring my agenda along. It occurs in periods in which I consciously try to become a little more organised. It goes a little differently then: 'Let me check if I have time.' A few days ago I looked at my agenda and I saw : Babysitting at 8 pm  + decorating a cake on Friday. 'O yes boss, I would love to work on Saturday at 8 am till 5 pm !' The snacks I promised to someone on that same Saturday have to be done at 8 pm but sure. Then I realized that I might need a little more time, since I learned from my mistakes in November: 'Oh wait, boss could I go home from work half an hour earlier?'
I slept for only 4 hours yesterday night but I didn't even feel that tired during work. After work I rushed home to make snacks. Mission accomplished.

The most important thing I have learned is that I have to start saying NO more often:

• NO to working at 8 am when I agreed on babysitting till late the day before. 
• NO to making a gluten-free cake for a relatively small donation
• NO to always wanting to help and feeling like I should.

• NO (to myself) when I want to put all my effort in certain things, even when the reward does not way up to the cause (if I look at it that way, which I rarely do).
• NO to charity work and more volunteering (My mother jokes: Is someone voluntarily going to take care of you when you're older and still don't have a job that pays you?)
• NO to everything I say based on the 'I can do everything I set my mind to' thought. Because I can do it but it doesn't always mean that it does me any good. 
• NO to too much at the same time because I can't do everything and I'm exhausted!

And I thought I would go to bed early tonight. I thought tonight would be for relaxing because I was finally finished with making snacks and baking cakes, for this week. Then I realized I had planned to work on my thesis. This is the exception to the things I've mentioned above: So I should say NO to other things more often but say YES to my thesis more.
As I had planned I started on my thesis 3 hours ago, but then I got this brilliant idea to write this blog. And I promised to skype with my grandmother and my parents.  So..
Tonight I'm going to bed late again but tomorrow I will try to rest. Even though:

• my kitchen is full of dirty dishes from baking cake and snacks.
• my laundry will not wash itself
• my scrapbook I wanted to start with 3  months ago is still empty
• I'll have a guest tomorrow 
• (so) I have to clean the pig stall I currently live in
• I have to work on the project for social entrepreneurship. 
• Uhh and YES and most important but not even mentioned yet: My thesis! 

And I wanted to go dancing tomorrow night, but I have to say NO to that. NO NO NO like I've learned the hard way in this November.
Oh by the way... I've learned from a workshop I followed in this same November that we should stop saying 'should' and should (there I go again) stop saying 'have' and 'must' to ourselves. I can't even remember what the workshop was about though. I was really tired and couldn't focus on anything. I had also overslept, missing half of it, but I still went there because (there I go again) I felt like I HAD to go.
But really do realize now that using 'should' and 'have' less would be really good. We all have to give ourselves a break sometimes.  I'll start working on that again when November ends.

Maybe...

It's 11:21 PM. My grandmother is calling me on skype. I HAVE to go!