I sense, the past (in)tense.

'The past lies upon the present like a giant dead body.'

-author unknown, probably spending some jailtime-

We all did stupid things in our past, things we regret. Memories we try to erase. It's called: moving on.


But memories can haunt you. I can still feel the weight, sometimes.


I'd like to think my future is like a blank sheet. I got crayons in my hand. And I think I can finally start drawing that rainbow, that appears after the rain. Cause they say you can't change your past, but you can make everything you want out of your future. I want to make a rainbow.


No, I can't change what  happened, I can't change what is done. I did not know back then, what I know now, for I was just a fool. And fools do, what fools do best. They make mistakes. 


People make mistakes. We're only human. But some do more than others.


But what can you do when plan A goes wrong, plan B was a disaster to start with, plan C seems perfect, but you overlooked a small detail and when you had to come up with plan D you ran out of imagination, and so on.


Throwing that giant dead body into the lake seemed like a great plan, at first. It'd be over and done with. I'd turn my back around, walk away, go on with my life, as if nothing had happened. 
But as I know now, but didn't realize back then: shit floats, that giant piece of turd float!


Looking back (I tell myself every time: Whatever you do, do not look back), I totally understand what went wrong:
I tried to change things, when I could make everything of my future, in the present, back then. I tried to do some stitching, some sculping, some molding, some fixing, some damage control. But the damage was all ready done. I couldn't make things better. 
And as it turns out, it wasn't my damage to fix. It wasn't my weight to carry.


But at first I didn't want to believe that, so I took the weight on my shoulders. 
Don't they say you can do everything, if you just believe, somehow you will? I don't know who said that but I do know who wrote that song.
I did believe I could fly when I was younger. Turns out, I was wrong, so much for believing.


Stubborn as I was, determined to make it work I tried to hold on, but my hands were slipping away. As much as I wanted to believe that I would not let go, that's not the way the tragic part in the movie Titanic, of Rose lying on the old antique clock, ends. She let go of Jack, cause he would surely pull her down with him.


When I was done being stubborn, when I had already cried myself a lake to dump the dead body in, I tried to make a change and accept what I could not change.


The past still haunts me sometimes. 
But the past is something we all got to accept.
Every mistake is a lesson learned: too bad, shit floats. 


Now, where was I...about to start drawing my rainbow.

And.. just to make things clear...

no one was killed in the making of this blog-