donderdag 27 maart 2014

You just have to live.

I saw her.
She was standing right behind me.
I looked the other way.
I like to meet people I know on the street
but there is something about her that always makes me feel uncomfortable.
I don't know why.
She always seems uncomfortable,
not even around me,
but in her own skin,
maybe her uncomfortable-ness instantly rubs of on me when we meet.
I'm sensitive like that and I don't like to feel uncomfortable, who does,
so I looked the other way.

We had to catch the same buss, I could have known.
I passed her on my way to the entrance of the buss and since my parents taught me good manners I said hi. She replied.
We stepped into the buss, I went first and she followed.
I sat down somewhere in the back of the buss where there were empty seats and something unexpected happened. She sat down right next to me.







'Are you going to school', I asked her.
 I decided to start a shallow conversation just to fill the awkward space between us.
'No to a funeral', she replied.
It caught me off guard and I was shocked. 'One of my classmates fell of the balcony. It was an accident', she told me.
The only thing I could say was: "What? Huh? What? '
Thinking: An accident, my ass.
Who falls off a balcony by accident?
Did he jump?
Did someone push him?
Did something push him?



Anyway, the guy is dead.
Dead...
Or was it a girl?
That doesn't even matter,
to me at least.
Dead is dead.








Sometimes death approaches slowly,
You see it coming and get time to prepare for it.
Sometimes death comes suddenly,
knocks on your door and says 'if you want it or not, HERE I AM'
and sometimes you think you want nothing else but to die,
but instead you just want to figure out how to live...


Life can end just like that,
it's a fragile thing, even if we don't think about that often.
I used to think I'd die young. I know, weird thoughts for an 11 year old but I guess I am 'weird', and always was.

Dying is a natural thing, even if sometimes it arrives in very unnatural ways, like I heard today.
Everything that begins also has an end, sooner of later.
Dying does not scare me. Missing out on life does.
I look forward  to the future, to a husband, becoming a parent of beautiful children, granting my parents the gift of becoming grandparents, becoming an aunt, seeing my older cousins get married, witnessing my youngest cousins grow up and bloom, seeing the world, practicing a job that I love and so on...
I worry and dream about the future, so do you.





We all look forward to the future.
Some don't live their life but merely survive, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Some keep promising to do better tomorrow, slacking off today.
Some don't open their eyes to the beautiful things in life.
Some feel useless, purposeless,
and wake up day after day and sigh and wonder what their purpose is,
like I used to.
Asking myself: Why am I even here?
Do I belong here?
And if I belong here where do I belong?

If I could talk to my younger self today,
I would have said:
'Stop worrying so much,
start enjoying some more,
you deserve to be here,
even if you don't know why you're here for.
Everything will be okay,
you will find the answers upon your questions,
some day'



I worried and felt lost,
looking for my purpose in the dark,
unaware of the fact that I was the only one who could light the candle or switch on the light,
even tough my mom tried.



The purpose in life,
One day you will just know,
or maybe you knew all along.
I know mine.







Stop worrying.
Everything will happen at the right time.
Just make sure your life does not end before it begins.



Meer van mijn gedachten/ more thoughts






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