I know.. I'm probably just stupid, dumb, naive, blind, foolish, but...

I'm full of hopes and dreams. It keeps me going. I still believe in an happy ending, but I have my doubts about 'Prince Charming'.
I've had dreams in the past of things that would last, but they didn't. Sometimes I was given up on and sometimes I gave up. I don't even know if I gave up for the right reasons. Maybe I should have talked about it, a little more, even when I felt that no one was listening.  Even though I felt that I was not heard, that he did not really care that I cried myself to sleep.
He wasn't good to me. Well..maybe he thought he was, but he was awful. At least I thought so, because usually when something awful happens, you cry..and I cried my heart out, but I still have a heart, somehow.

I talked at first, complained, but then I stopped talking because my words, that reflected my feelings, faded into thin air. My feelings did not matter, it seemed. So I did not matter? I believe that I didn't really feel good enough. Is that a reason to give up?
Giving up, should I ? But I don't want to,
Not even when he's weird. Not even when people say 'you should leave him'. Not even when I 'shouldn't trust him' . Not even when I don't really know him that well. Not even when I don't understand him at all.




I'm not giving up., because I'm holding on to what I saw, a glimpse of his heart.
And whether I should trust him or not, I do, because that's the only thing I can do.
That's the whole thing about trust, you're not sure, you just trust.

'Based on your stories I don't think he is...' I know what you think but this is a decision I have made. I chose not to judge him on his past. What is done, is done and what it might mean for the future? Bring it on.
Future? I dream about a future but when I wake up I realize looking forward is not really realistic at the moment. I don't even know what's happening right now. So, do I have the slightest idea about how this will end? No, I don't.

I don't know anything really and I'm even afraid to hope, but I do.
I gave up my expectations though. I know I should not expect anything. l don't expect anything. Nothing at all. Maybe I will be surprised one day, there I go again, expecting.









Others say:
'Chill.'
'Just wait.'
'Be patient.'
All I can do is wait. And yes, you might call it 'a waste of my time', but it's a risk I'm taking
a big risk, but risks must be taken even when I am honestly terrified.

Relationships have never come easy for me. It has never been rainbows and butterflies.
It might work out, this time.
If it doesn't, then I will know I gave it my all,
I didn't give up.

But this time...

Who knows how it will end?

And if it goes (terribly) wrong

Oh well...

It will be another
"great" story to tell.

Great success, story of my life.