I'm a human being and I want to be as human as I can be.

The end of my master 'Child and educational studies' is near and I have many things I would want to do outside of these institutions called universities. At the same time the possibilities I have within these universities are crisscrossing through my mind. The choices I have tumble through my brain from time to time.

These choices occupy my mind and my mind obviously finds these matters important. Unfortunately, because how pleasant would it be, I can not simply ignore that which matters to my mind, because my mind is diligent and demanding and has a loud and penetrating and high-pitched screaming voice. 

And I can hear my mind screaming while jumping up and down hysterically: 'Don't stop! You can't stop! There's plenty left to learn! You got so many options! You could follow more courses. You can also do a research master or maybe a PHD. Why not, if there's the possibility? And why wait when you can do it now?!'

Here I am again, in an attempt to ease my mind.

Yes, I know. Yes you are right. Opportunities are for seizing, chances are for taking. I might regret it later, if I don't. I know!
And yes I do see how spending more of my days within the walls of an university may benefit me. I do! And I do realize that this square block will offer me a lot of room to grow.

But is the kind of room I will receive spacious enough?
Will the room that I will be provided embrace the whole and not just a part of me? Is the kind of room that I will be granted within an institution like this, the kind of room I need?

Because I do foresee, as it already does in this moment we speak, that these blocks of an university will form themselves around me like a box and I foresee that the rules pertaining to these educational building blocks will not only provide the steps that will help me to reach higher but will also restrict and restrain me in my possibilities.

And you should know that I really really really don't like restrictions, rules and limitations. But then again maybe it's time to try restrictions, rules and limitations.  It's a part of growing up isn't it?But then why do I fear walking right into a trap and slipping into a system that won't take me as I am but will only accept a small part of me.

Yes I do ambition research, in a way. I would love to research phenomena and get a better understanding of the complexity of life by looking for explanations and I do want to study the different roles many different factors play in this complexity we live in, I do! But maybe I'm not made to be all scientific. But nevertheless I would like to do research...

But you know what I really feel?
I feel like finding anything I find, no matter if it's significant or not,  and I feel like reflecting upon these findings, not in a scientific but subjective and creative and, according to me, more human way. And this is without complying to the rules of APA.
You know what I really feel like? I feel like putting ration aside sometimes. I feel like sharing my opinions and feelings about the complexity we're living in and I really feel like discussing ideas and these feelings openly and partially, not merely objectively and empirically grounded in theory.

I know that educational institutions should teach us ways to think and not what to think but I have often felt at the university, for example in class, that there is not that much space for opportunities to think differently. (And I really believe there should be. There should be!)

Yes, I do see the advantages the space within those walls can grant me. I do realize that this square block stores the powerful weapon called education which can be used to change the world.
Then again I also realize that there are plenty of possibilities to educate myself outside these buildings we call universities.
I know that if you want to educate yourself you can and if you really want to educate yourself you will. The opportunities are infinite.
And I know that there's a world outside of the massive walls, in which knowledge-hungry minds unite massively, that is interesting and so diverse, that is alive and waiting, eager to teach me!
And I feel so eager to learn that it aches.

So I'm giving this a lot of thought because I simply have to react on what matters to my mind, for it will not stop screaming in this loud and penetrating and high-pitched voice if I don't.
So yes, I know that these institutions called universities might offer me knowledge and that it's accessible knowledge, and who doesn't like accessible knowledge, within my reach.
But I also know, and this is what really excites me, that going out into the world and experiencing different things and interacting with and learning from different people will provide opportunities to grow and to put ideas into action, that books and articles alone can not offer me.

And the question is: Do I want to become a scientist? Maybe I prefer being a "lower-educated" human-being that can give attention to her subjective thoughts and feelings openly over being a scientist that might be criticized if  she even slightly lets her raw humanity shine through in her work.

The scientific world feels like a whole different world to me. A world full of people that are perfectly capable of putting aside their humanity, as if it's a hat that they wear casually.

Some do tell me both worlds can be merged together, that both worlds can co-exist but I still feel that this scientific world and the world in which I live lie so far apart, as if on different ends of an continuum. 

And this difference scares me. It would be a great risk. My subjective hat seems to be stuck to my head and already gets me into enough trouble as it is. Actually attempting to be a scientist would mean I would have to take a big leap? What if I jump and fall in between?

But let me be honest. I'm also very attached to my subjective hat.
What if I just don't take that risk?

Maybe I don't feel the need to be considered "highly educated" and what if I don't care about the jobs that might open up for me, after for example a PHD? 

What if I want to be subjective, emotional, intuitive, colored and free?
What if I just want to be human 
and what if that's all I want to be?

The Unbridgeable Gap