When a woman goes out! (EN)

Going out for a man is like,
having fun and trying his luck,
especially when it's a single man.

Going out for a woman,
and I'm speaking for all the women who are like me, because there are women who behave like men (at the end you lose!),
means having fun,
but being careful,
and observing his every step,
and asking yourself,

Does this man who approached me and who I am dancing with at this moment want the same from me as I want from him and that is just dancing and having fun, getting to know him better but that's it?



Us girls have to pay attention to signals,

A few signals: 

• Is he interested in every girl in the room?

There are men, especially old men and lonely men, who seem to go out and learn to dance just to find a woman, and they prefer a young girl, to take home. 

If you observe them well during the night you will notice that they roam the room asking every single girl to dance, just testing their luck. If they don't get the chance to dance they will keep observing the girl, and  dance with others in the mean while, and usually they try their luck again later. This is the way it goes every week. But even these men deserve a chance to dance, but that's it.

Of course not all men are like this. 

For example: I danced with an old man today, that could have been my grandpa. He almost felt like he could have been my grandpa at a certain point. He danced as a grandpa would dance, slow, but he tried, so I was impressed.

He kept his distance and we laughed and talked while dancing. He did not ask me any personal questions. When we had finished dancing he tapped me on my back. He thanked me for the dance and told me I had danced well and that he had fun. And that was it, it was fun. We had a good time. On my turn, I thanked him and wished him a pleasant night. 

• Does he say things that don't make sense at all and can not be explained by the fact that he might be nervous in your company?

 A guy suddenly came to me and asked me to dance. "Sure", I said. He must have been around 40 years old. He started the conversation while 'dancing', by saying that he felt a connection with me because we share the same skin color. We then compared our arms, that were indeed the same color. "But it doesn't matter which color someone is", I said.  

Having the same skin color, to me, is not a reason to feel connected to anyone, unless you feel discriminated or discriminate others who not share this same feature with you.  "You are pretty. My heart beats for you", he said. Right, your heart in this case, might be a little misplaced, I thought.

• Does everything about him make you feel nervous, and not in the positive way? (Does he break into your private space without your permission? Does he do things he's not supposed to do?)

Men who are not up to any good usually have this weird way of staring at you, that makes you feel naked without even having to take your clothes off(not that you would want to do that in a case like this).

He's there every week, skinny, small guy, white hair, 70 years old or so, blue big eyes with which he keeps staring at you while you dance.  He asked me to dance. I have danced with him several times because I find it difficult to be rude. But this time I decided that I did not want to stare into those eyes again and feel that tension. So I said no, but made up an excuse.

 "O, you are taking a rest?", he asked. Sure, of course, as long as you stop bothering me, I thought.

"It's great to see you again", he said and gave me a sudden kiss, on the cheek thank God. Of course I had not asked for this kiss but smiling at him must have been enough to 'deserve' this special treatment.

I was a little shocked and I felt really disgusted. I felt like washing my face or wiping the kiss away. 

I shivered by thinking about what has just happened.

 The hours that followed I turned him down once more, without making excuses, when he asked me to dance again later and avoided even looking in his direction, while he kept roaming the room, like a lion who roams the savanna, until he sees a chance to jump on a gazelle, who did not see the danger coming. 

A little later that night another guy asked me to dance. By his looks and his name I could tell he was Moroccan. "Ok", I said. Why not, I thought.

You can give someone permission to move into your personal space in two ways: verbally: By asking "Why are you dancing so far away from me?" for example and non verbally, for example moving a little bit closer yourself.

I didn't do any of this.

He kept staring at me with his big hazel brown eyes with a little yellow in them and kept pulling me closer to him, even asked me to look him in the eyes, while I kept looking the other way and kept backing off. 

At a certain moment he started massaging my hands.  O no, I thought.

Then he jumped forward and before I realized it, he had suddenly kissed me in my neck.

 I pushed him away and made it very clear that I did not appreciate it to get kisses from men I don't know (and don't want to know). "Sorry", he said, but he didn't sound like he meant it.

From the beginning I had been cautious, because everything about him told me that he didn't have good intentions, but now my guard went all the way up. 

I kept my distance, but we kept dancing. 

• Does he immediately ask you if you have a girlfriend, without sounding interested in simply going out for a drink once?

So I couldn't find a reason to turn the Moroccan men down when he asked me to dance. He led me to a more quiet piece of the dance floor. On our way to that spot he made contact with one of his friends, they high-fived each other and started laughing, the first signal. He acted as if I was some kind of catch. 

He had asked me to dance but soon enough I realized that he couldn't dance at all, but he was trying, so I gave him a chance.

But after asking where I live, of course I gave a vague answer, he said these exact words, in English because he couldn't speak Dutch: "I live alone. Are you alone? I don't have a girlfriend, do you have?"

I could have made up an imaginary one, but I didn't feel like it. Instead I told the poor man: "I do not want a boyfriend."  

"I just want to be friends", I tried to say. " Ok, then we can get to know each other better", he said. I realized that it hadn't been the smartest thing to say. "No, I only want to dance." I corrected myself. 

But after that we didn't dance anymore. I avoided him for the rest of the night. During the night I noticed that I wasn't the only girl trying to ignore him. Poor guy, I thought, what a creep!

But when I walked out of the door to go home, I did notice him talking to two blond girls, while most of the people had left to go home. I hope they aren't dumb enough to fall for his load of crap, I thought. 

• Do feel like reminding him that your eyes are not attached somewhere on your boobs?

in this case you're asking for trouble!

Tonight I felt like telling a guy that my eyes were not down there. He was obviously staring. It's rude to stare and why would you want to do anything with someone who does this? You can't get to know someone or have a decent conversation with someone who doesn't find your face interesting enough to look at. 

My 'be careful' alarm went on at that exact moment his eyes wandered. 

I had decided tonight that I wouldn't ask any guys to dance, which I normally do (I've been told by a friend that I have to let the men do a little work too).
So a lot of songs went by in which I just stood there and looked at the other people dancing.

Why don't they ask me to dance, I wondered? They did ask other girls to dance.

"You caught my eye because you are the only tropical girl in here", one guy had said, who turned out to be a great dancer. He bought me two drinks, a glass of cola and a glass of sprite (I don't like drinking alcohol, I had said) , and thought that in return I would dance with him some more or I don't know what he thought.

It was the first time a guy I don't know had ever bought me a drink. Of course I walked with him to the bar, to make sure he would not throw anything in it, even if he didn't seem like the kind of type who would. Better safe, than sorry.

I laughed in myself. So this is how that goes, I thought, thinking about all the movies in which I had seen guys buy girls drinks all the time.

I drank my drink and shared the other one with a friend. 

While he drank more and more beer, standing on the other side of the room I decided that I no longer wanted to dance with his man who I had danced with three times already. Fortunately, he realized it too and didn't asked me again.

I was indeed one of the few colored girls in between all the Dutch girls. They did get asked to dance. I observed them while they threw themselves upon the Spanish and Antillean man and how most of these men also threw themselves upon them. 

"Why do they not ask me to dance?", I asked a friend. "You may look intimidating", she said. What exactly she meant by it, I don't know, but at least I know that I do not look like a fool who they can take home at the end of the night.

Staying sharp

I do not get drunk when I go out, or ever for that matter. 

I do not think it's very smart for a woman to get drunk, ever, unless you feel like you're in a safe environment, surrounded by friends who watch over you.

If this is not the case, you better not drink too much and stay sharp, paying attention to the signals.

If you're drunk you will not be able to pay a lot of intentions to these signals.

Getting drunk makes you, as a girl, vulnerable and being vulnerable makes you an easy prey for guys with bad intentions. Going to bed with someone isn't necessarily a bad thing if both sides want the same thing, but can you make a decision like that when you can hardly think straight after all the alcohol? 

The next morning you may not even remember what happened and when you decide to ask what happened, they will say that you threw yourself upon them, which is probably true.

A lot of men don't feel like they have anything to lose. They will enjoy it and move on with their lives, up to the next easy target . Even if they're drunk themselves, what's the worst case scenario?

But does a women ever win something from sleeping with someone, they hardly know? 

The moment a guy gets in your pants,

and the sooner this happens,

the bigger the chance that you lose whatever game you're playing,

and than it's game over for you.

Your heart is one thing a guy can play with,

but don't let them fool around with your body,

Your body is like a sacred palace, for your soul.

The only thing you can lose is your dignity,

the only thing you can get is an STD,

and the only thing you'll feel afterwards is shame,

especially when there are no strings attached.

So leave whatever you meet at the bar,

at the bar.

Do not take that shit home.

And do not go home with them!

There's enough time to get to know each other during the day, if that is what you both want.

The night was coming to an end. I could tell it was the last song. I was standing there and I looked right into his face. I think he read the question I had all night, on my face: Why did you not ask me to dance?
But now he did and I took his hand without doubting and said:"Of course".
While dancing we  started talking. "I thought you would say no, so I didn't ask you to dance", he said. Something about me gave him that feeling, so he said. I did not understand because I had danced with almost every guy, except the 70 year old creep, who had asked me, about 10 guys, and tried smiling a lot. I think you have to give everyone a chance.
But maybe that's what she meant by intimidating....

I enjoyed the night,

A lot happened,

I danced with my great friends,
met a lot of great people.
I had a great time,
with guys who didn't seem hungry,
with whom I could dance and have a conversation.
Afterwards we then thanked each other and walked away from each other or decided to dance another dance, together.

Now I have some new experiences to add to my list,

I also observed,

and I learned.

Let me tell you something: 

Nothing feels better,

than falling asleep with a sober head,

after a night out, alone, on your own bed,
and being able to tell these stories about these guys who tried so hard,

but failed!

The brains of these men, compared with a woman's brain (not all men are the same, but they do think about sex a lot, but acting upon it is something different).